nautrally natural .

7:45 PM em 0 Comments

      hello readers,

Today's post struck me as I was sitting and combing my hair, well "my" hair. While getting ready for the day I found myself pondering on a conversation I had with a friend about a week or so ago. As a black girl I have blown through many hair styles, trying  to feel comfortable with myself. As I face the truth I realize that I am uncomfortable in my natural hair. My uncomfort keeps me chasing beauty images, I, as an African American female can not achieve.

I am constantly thinking about my hair, thinking about it in the sense of how will it maintain its look throughout the day. My hair has seemed to always be apart of my subconscious thought even from an early age. I looked at the girls with the straighter and more silky hair and envy them. How can I get my hair to be more like theirs? In media and life's typical idea of what beauty is. it seems to always be fair skin and silky straight hair. The lighter your completion, and the loose the kink in your curl, the more acceptable you become. As a child, and even now, I do not see the girl who looks like me, I see girls who are the complete opposite of me and I am constantly told that that is what beauty is, which leaves me to feel like I am less than. It is a pain that is indescribable as well as frustrating. Why is darker skin and kinkier hair seen to be so repulsive. I am constantly trying to see my hair and skin and break "beauty stereotypes"

 Growing up in elementary school I remember standing in line behind Hispanic girls with ponytails as their hair swung from left to right so effortlessly. I found myself as a young child wondering why my hair wasn't like the other girls. It made me feel sad, envious, and ugly. This uncomfortable feeling only continued as I grew older. My hair is very thick and hard to manage, so when I was about 7  my mother started putting a relaxer in my hair to make it straighter and thinner, for a child my age that sort of chemical exposure is pretty bad, but I did what it took to make myself feel more comfortable and conform to a look that I wanted so badly. After the relaxers continued my hair slowly began to lose some length  due to not maintaining the chemical. I didn't know what to do which lead me into wearing extensions and fake hair.

When I look at my hair in its natural state (even now on occasion) I begin to cry. My tears form from frustration and pain knowing I'll never get my hair to swing back and forth so effortlessly like I would see in my younger years unless the hair wasn't mine. This thick mangle of hair I have is so hard to keep up, its like running after a train that I'll never be able to catch up to. All in all, I think of the girls who don't have to think about their hair nearly as much as i do and how lucky they must be. My hair honestly consumes my life.

The last time I remember wearing my hair out naturally was about a year or so ago, and I cant seem to keep it out for too long until putting  some sort of extension or weave back in. For basically my entire life I have put some sort of product, chemical, extension, weave, and or heat in my hair in order to keep it manageable and "acceptable". My hair keeps me worried, and I think that's
how it probably always will be. The pain and frustration stems from the thought of never having the hair I want unless it isn't mine

Me, in my complete natural self is seen as unprofessional, animal-like, and undesirable, and I am constantly trying to overcome these stereotypes and prove I am not what I am represented to be . Media has depicted what they want, and what they want is not me. No one can understand the struggle of this cycle especially when they are in what is acceptable in the media's eyes.

In the end my hair is my hair, stop giving me suggestions on what you think I should do with it, or what you may think is best for me (if I decide not to comb it, that's on me). Black hair is so versatile with so many different textures and styles, what works for me may not work for another girl. Be more understanding and less curious (((((aka stop tryna touch my hair, and feel whats up under there, thanks)))))))))))